Back to Basics

There has been far too much drama lately. The weekend was damn near a killer. So yesterday, I put my big girl panties back on, and headed back to the beginning. Sometimes getting back to the basics is exactly what we need. While it seems a setback, it’s not. It’s just a not so gentle reminder that I am still a work in progress. I guess I always will be, because if I ever get above myself and think I can do this all on my own, I’m totally screwed.

I’m not going to rehash all the drama lately, but it’s been a real struggle. Family, friends, work, ugly truths, death, purposeful hurts, the list goes on and on. But I don’t really have the energy for all that. Sure, I let it affect me for a time, but whether I chose to visit there or live there is entirely up to me. Not feeling being, as Chris puts it, the mayor of there.

I let the drama interrupt my meditation and my peace of mind. While it was only outwardly noticeable to one or two people, I felt it in a big way. It robbed me of so much I actually fell asleep Friday night feeling so drained and literally feeling drugged, that I slept over 16 hours. Stress is a killer. It’s put me in the hospital more than a few times, and I am so over being in that the place.

Today, while I absolutely must do laundry before work, I have a simple yet crucial plan. I definitely need to do some meditation, but also get back to reading my book that took me to a higher understanding of myself. Maybe do a little research, and set up a schedule for the week.

I am not as much struggling with OCD as I am just trying to grasp life’s ugly circumstances, trying not to allow a victim mindset. I know all too well that no matter your faith, what you put out there eventually comes back to you. Whether speaking of my depression, anxiety, OCD, or my actions as a result of them, I have served my time. I have paid what I owed and then some.

I may never see this manifest in the lives of others, because some things you cannot see, but I know it happens. The anger in me sometimes awaits return of ills done to me. But in truth, at my core, I actually feel sad for what could be coming their way.

When I slept those 16 hours, I had some very vivid dreams. I have read that dreams do not predict the future per se, but I think I may have gotten a glimpse into someone else’s possible coming reality. Surely not the situation I dreamed in detail, but the emotional effects of it, is a likely comeback for their choices.

That wasn’t my only dream. There was a rather pleasant one about my daughter. I don’t remember many details, but I remember how very happy she was.

I went to bed Friday feeling completely defeated. I didn’t do my nightly meditation that I have been doing since December. I prayed hard for an answer.

I don’t know that I got a specific answer, or if anything I saw that night is real, but I also don’t know that I didn’t, or if it isn’t. All I know is that whatever it was, it helped.

I didn’t sleep well last night, but even so, today I feel focused and determined. I’m going to stumble, trip myself up, and fall on my face from time to time. But as long as I get back up and keep moving, I haven’t failed.

There is a song by Shinedown in which they say “every murder has a motive but you ain’t killing me”….that’s exactly what it is for me right now. People will be cruel in the coldest, ugliest of ways, but I’m not lying down for anyone. I have been given just this one life, and I have wasted much of it, so I won’t allow anyone to rob me of the best of it.

Everything that has happened to me has a purpose, even my own choices. I can let them destroy me, or empower me. That choice lies with me alone, and I choose to not give the power of that choice to anyone else.

That’s about it for now. Have a wonderful day.